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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-17 07:00 |
on (#6MTHK)
Johnny McEntee, a former aide in the Trump White House, recently bragged on social media about giving fake money to unhoused people to ensure their eventual arrest, claiming on TikTok that when a homeless person asks for money, then I give them like a fake $5 bill. So I feel good about myself. They feel good. And...Read more...
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on (#6MSTS)
SALISBURY, MD-Emphasizing that it was an integral part of the company's mission to raise humanely sourced meat, poultry processing giant Perdue Farms announced a new initiative Tuesday to even the playing field by giving guns to chickens. At Perdue, we always strive to ensure animals are treated with dignity and...Read more...
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on (#6MRKJ)
With 4 turrets, a dozen windows, and a saltwater moat, this massive home boasts a fantastic 360-degree view of both the ocean and hairy sunbathers. Hurry up and book a showing before it's washed away for good.Read more...
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on (#6MMRP)
Columbia University canceled its commencement ceremony after weeks of pro-Palestinian protests that have shaken the campus, despite the fact that other universities have held their ceremonies with few disruptions. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6MJ0V)
According to a tally by the Associated Press, the number of individuals arrested at college protests held in support of Palestinians in Gaza has surpassed 2,000 across 36 schools. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MHXP)
WASHINGTON-As mounting campus protests and arrests over the Israel-Hamas war threatened his fragile electoral coalition, advisors to President Joe Biden assured him Friday that this would blow over once all Gazans were dead. Just lie low, let a few thousand more bombs drop on densely populated areas, and you're...Read more...
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on (#6MGZC)
NEW YORK-Resting the device on his thighs behind the defendant's table, former President Donald Trump reportedly watched a movie on an iPad during his trial Thursday, not bothering to use headphones. As witness Keith Davidson continued his testimony this morning, several reports indicated that people in the courtroom...Read more...
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on (#6MGW4)
BELOIT, WI-After following a vehicle that had exited the parking lot of Hatley's Pub and pulling it over on suspicion of drunk driving, local traffic cop Travis Hatcher was reportedly too intoxicated Thursday to administer a field sobriety test. Hey there, Mr. Speed Racer Man...uh, do you know how fast I was-I mean you...Read more...
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on (#6MGT2)
CHIINU, MOLDOVA-After turning on the TV in her hotel room and immediately becoming engrossed in Moldova's most popular program, tourist Jessica Nevins confirmed Thursday that the biggest prize on an Eastern European game show was apparently a fridge. While I don't totally understand what's going on, I do know the...Read more...
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on (#6MGSD)
A man from Idaho was arrested for allegedly kicking a bison, which subsequently injured him, at Yellowstone National Park while drunk, for which he now faces charges of disorderly conduct while under the influence and disturbing wildlife. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MGSE)
This modest two-bedroom, one-and-a-half bath starter home is not for sale. Please stop knocking on our door and asking to buy it.Read more...
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on (#6MGSF)
WASHINGTON-Speaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nation's catalytic converters to sell on the black market. According to insiders, Buttigieg's...Read more...
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on (#6MGCZ)
The Drug Enforcement Administration is expected to approve a rescheduling of marijuana, which is currently categorized with Schedule I drugs such as LSD and heroin, to Schedule III alongside Tylenol and steroids, which would allow it to be purchased nationwide. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MGA4)
While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations.
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on (#6MFYW)
NEW YORK-Interrupting testimony as they walked straight up to the former president mid-trial, the Trump boys baked a cake for their father with a gavel hidden inside, court room sources confirmed Wednesday. We think you'll find this cake very yummy and full of law hammers," Donald Trump, Jr. said with a wink as his...Read more...
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on (#6MFYY)
WASHINGTON-Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusing shitheel of a...Read more...
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on (#6MFYZ)
LOS ANGELES-Sharing horrifying and riveting tales with friends who did not grow up in the Midwest, local 29-year-old Iris Pearson fondly recalled a beloved grade school tradition called Slave Days" this week, according to sources. Oh, man, Slave Days were the best part of fifth grade-I think at one point I had over...Read more...
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on (#6MFXH)
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 19 people across the U.S. have been sickened by counterfeit Botox, with patients presenting botulism-like symptoms, a potentially fatal illness in which the toxin attacks the body's nerves. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MFXJ)
CANTON, OH-Responding with the excitement of someone who appeared to genuinely believe they were some kind of outlier, local white person Hannah Michaels seemed way too proud that she was using WhatsApp, sources reported Wednesday. Oh my gosh, of course I use WhatsApp-I've actually had it for years, since I studied...Read more...
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on (#6MFXK)
In addition to being underpaid for teaching their lessons, providing childcare, and serving as mentors to the next generation, teachers are also underpaid for protecting their students from armed assailants. The Onion asked teachers why they need to be able to carry guns in the classroom, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MFD2)
Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SC) defended killing her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, after the anecdote was leaked from her upcoming memoir, saying that the dog was untrainable" and tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MFA1)
Peace and quiet abound in this move-in ready subterranean unit within a serene, gated community. Professional landscaping included.Read more...
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on (#6MF1D)
WASHINGTON-A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the American people still lead the world in identifying precisely which of them they want. Our findings suggest that U.S. citizens tower above their peers when it comes to pointing out which one they want off the shelf and how many...Read more...
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on (#6MEZD)
Although the youth vote was integral in his victory against Donald Trump in the 2020 election, Joe Biden's approval ratings have tanked amongst 18-to-27-year-olds. If President Biden is interested in winning back Gen Z voters, he'll have to do the following things.Read more...
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on (#6MEHP)
NEW YORK-Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be...Read more...
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on (#6MEHD)
WASHINGTON-Saying they'd learned a lot about her life and the adversities she'd faced over the years, the nation's white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and...Read more...
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on (#6MEBD)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor...Read more...
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on (#6MCC4)
President Biden signed a bill into law banning TikTok nationwide unless the Chinese company that owns it, ByteDance, sells its stake in the app within a year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MC6N)
Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins' mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MA9C)
Researchers combing through a server based in North Korea found animation work for Amazon's Invincible and Max's Iyanu: Child of Wonder, including log files that suggest animators in China further outsourced the work to North Korea, unbeknownst to the American companies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M99K)
BENTONVILLE, AR-Adapting the retail outlet's previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a...Read more...
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on (#6M6QF)
Alex Garland's newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America's second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M6NC)
DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA-Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer's stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. The IDF is currently using a...Read more...
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on (#6M6ND)
PHILADELPHIA-Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading Free self-defense class for women." Free self-defense class this way? Don't mind if I do," said Morgan, who delightedly followed the...Read more...
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on (#6M689)
During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders' (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 consulting fee" and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M3SW)
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use vulva balms,' and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M2Z3)
MINNEAPOLIS-Updating its packaging to include new USDA-mandated guidelines for safe yogurt preparation, Yoplait began warning Tuesday that its products must reach a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit prior to consumption. Contents must be heated to 165F/74C or higher to destroy the bacteria...Read more...
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on (#6M1KP)
LOS ANGELES-Confessing that they couldn't stand the thought of bursting their teammate's perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with his interpreter. Currently, Shohei has zero clue about the controversy surrounding...Read more...
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on (#6KZTX)
YOUR DATA- OR WIFI-ENABLED DEVICE-Feeling crushed under the oppressive demands to click and click and click on TheOnion.com, the nation was informed by experts from The Onion's Click Drive Wednesday that this could all be made to stop for just 25 clicks. For a mere 25 clicks on The Onion's website, you could end all...Read more...
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on (#6KXKX)
KERRVILLE, TX-Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday that really tall guy Matt Everett was blocking everyone's view of the total solar eclipse. Goddammit, this thing only lasts a few minutes-can't he at least sit down?" said...Read more...
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on (#6KXKV)
Rejoice, sky-gazers, for you are about to behold one of the universe's most amazing astronomical events. Watch now for a live view of the total solar eclipse.Read more...
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on (#6KW8S)
On the night of Easter Sunday, burglars entered the vault of a facility in San Fernando Valley where cash for businesses across the region is stored, bypassing the alarms and making off with an estimated $30 million in cash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KVYK)
The MTA has demanded $750,000 a year from the organization that runs the New York City Marathon to make up for lost toll revenue from the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge, which is closed for runners on the day of the race. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KVXW)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the nation's astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that the majority of Americans could jump the parking meter if their bum knees weren't acting up. According to our research, an astonishing 76% of Americans could clear that meter...Read more...
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on (#6KVXY)
GLENCOE, IL-Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. I'm not saying our other sex ed teachers weren't good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant," said...Read more...
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